Apparel - May 9, 2019

Palace Summer 19's Most Absurd Product Descriptions

Nick Matthies

Nick Matthies is a Content Manager at StockX.

Imagine "Hot Ones" but instead of hot wings, you're reading Palace Product Descriptions in a predetermined order. This article will likely leave you wishing that you'd instead eaten hot wings.

Imagine "Hot Ones" but instead of hot wings, you're reading Palace Product Descriptions in a predetermined order. This article will likely leave you wishing that you'd instead eaten hot wings.

Palace returned with their Summer Range recently, dropping their first selection of pieces Friday, May 3rd. Leading with items like the Reign Man Tee and the multiple Real Tree Camo items, the collection itself is incredibly strong as are the season’s product descriptions. For those not familiar, Palace’s Product Descriptions almost never describe anything. Most of the time, the descriptions are just incoherent thoughts not related to the product in any way. Oftentimes, the descriptions take shots at other brands. This season actually, Palace took shots at multiple brands, which we’ve decided not to feature here because if we had, it would’ve taken up nearly all of our slots. Besides taking shots at other brands, the Summer 2019 Palace Product Descriptions have a lot to say about Americans, the reader’s style, and even the items they’re describing. Scroll down to look through our top 10 Palace product descriptions with some light commentary and shop Palace’s Summer 2019 range here.

 

10. Rastel T-Shirt

Off to a quick but quite interesting start. Honestly, whoever wrote this is asking some really solid questions. There was a whole lot of shade thrown at the US and people from the US this season. It’s probably got something to do with Palace opening their Los Angeles store but we really don’t know if there’s any way that we can possibly defend ourselves on this one.

 

9. Dots Shirt

We’re not sure why but this really stuck out. It combines two of the best Palace Product Description themes, complaining about writing the descriptions and absolute total nonsense.

 

8. Funkalistic Shirt

There’s a lot more going on here than meets the eye. So first of all, the name of the shirt is not THAT bad, but what’s really interesting is that we may or may not have some insight into who writes the descriptions. Considering the person has the ability to fire people, is it possible that the description writer is none other than the brand’s founder, Lev Tanju, himself?

 

7. Stoned Shirt

BIG SHOTS. Clearly there’s a lot of “Palace hate comments”, enough for the person writing this to fill a jacuzzi once a week with what I can only imagine is a fortune’s worth of alcohol and read them all. Congrats to the person who’s writing this for achieving that level of success, we really hope you don’t blow everything on what seems to be an extremely expensive and potentially toxic hobby.

 

6. Real Tree Body Sack

This product description is funny because it just absolutely epitomizes the brand’s attitude. If the brand’s attitude has a spirit animal, it’s this product description. First, a shout out to all the people shopping there, then a diss to the same people originally shouted out. There should be a psychological study done to see if negging your customer works.

 

5. Real Tree Bun Sack

100%, just 5 more descriptions about weird descriptions, then I’m going back to bed.

 

4. Stretch Your P Shell 6-Panel

I’m not sure what it was about the upcoming season or maybe the recent weather in England or just flying high after opening a new store, but the descriptions got exponentially more aggressive this season compared to previous seasons. We don’t really know how much more aggressive they can get from here, but I’m sure Palace will show us come Autumn 2019.

 

3. Air & Vision Shell 6-Panel

This description was selected due to its absolute pinpoint accuracy. If you’ve never felt like this, you’re lying. That’s it.

 

2. Foil Shell T-Leaf 4-Panel

If the number one selection on this list wasn’t so good, this could easily have been number one. It’s one of the longest product descriptions we’ve seen and completely nails the playful nature of the brand, I wouldn’t be surprised to see every single product description be about some kind of candy bar next season.

 

1. Pallas T-Shirt

If you’ve been following the brand for any period of time, this is far and away the best product description in this range. For context, longtime skate team member, Blondey McCoy, left the brand’s skate team recently and this product description is clearly poking fun at that. He seems to have left on good terms and he probably knew this was coming but hopefully there’s no beef.

 

Honorable Mentions